Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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