i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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