dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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