you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
