This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
