I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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