Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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