I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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