Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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