the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
