in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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