watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
