I CAN MOONWALK!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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