Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
