when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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