peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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