Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
