Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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