If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
even my farts smell like vagina
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
