In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
