we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
