he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Randomize