At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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