Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Randomize
