I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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