I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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