I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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