Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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