i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
