Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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