So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
