So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
