i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
