weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
