i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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