You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
