Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
