my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
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