Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
