I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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