I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
