no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
