Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
