You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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