So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
