Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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