No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize