Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
