there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
