She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
