Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I supernannyed him into submission
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