apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
