I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
