the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Drake has all the answers
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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