It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
