you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
