i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
